I've never been really good at that. Being still. Oh don't get me wrong. I can veg with the best of them. Blanket, check. Jammies, check. Snack, check. Movie, check. :) Lance and I "talk" almost every Saturday that we don't have anything on the schedule. He wants to get busy doing some kind of work at the farm, and I want to sit on the couch and not have to be on the go. It always ends in a compromise and a discussion again of our expectations of our "days off."
I love to sit and watch a movie or read a book or play a game with the kids. But that's not the kind of still that I'm talking about. "Be still and know that I am your God." Psalm 46:10 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
Sitting back and letting God fight for me is one of the hardest things I struggle with in life. I am a doer. Definitely a take-charge kind of person. Just sitting back and doing nothing goes against every grain in my being. And I know. I can read your mind right now. "Being still doesn't mean that we do nothing." I get that. I really do. But when it comes right down to it, do I trust God to do it the right way. I know that I can do it, whatever it is, better.
Our adoption journey has almost broken me of that mentality. My first instinct is still to jump first, think later. But more times than not lately, it has just been my initial thought. Then my actions line up with God's will and I put the brakes on and trust Him to handle whatever the situation is. It is sooooo hard. I don't think it ever won't be sooooo hard.
There were several events in mine and Lance's early years that brought us to a crossroads where we either had to be still and trust that God was going to fight for us, or take matters into our hands. It has never been easy for me to give up control. But all of those events added up don't begin to equal all the events of the past 4 years of our adoption journey that have challenged my instinct to fight.
When you answer the call to international adoption, you give up all control. There is absolutely NO parts in the process in which you have control. You are constantly at someone else's mercy. From the US government to schedule times for you to get fingerprinted, to adoption agencies scheduling home studies, to translators being able to work you in to translate your dossier, to the Haitian social services and the black hole that that is, to the orphanage telling you when you can come visit your child, to the Haitian courts legally declaring your child is yours, back to the US government issuing VISAs and passports. Let me assure you; that is an abbreviated list.
We adoptive parents often question, why? Why, God, is it taking so long? Why, God, is our child still in an orphanage? Why, God, did he have another birthday without us? So many questions that seemingly never get answered. But God has taught me so much through the questions. Every step we have gone through, God has fought for us. And we have learned to trust Him and His timing. I have heard all of my Christian life that "God's timing is not our timing." Such a trite saying at times, but oh so true. And knowing that heavenly timelines are not earthly timelines makes it easier to wait on the Lord. Note I said easier, not easy.
I'm thankful for all the questions, and for a God who allows me to ask them. It is those questions that have grown my faith and caused me be content to just "be still." Well, that and seeing God's hand. More on that in my next post. :)
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